FLYING THE FREAKIN SKIES

I travel  frequently.  Since 9-11 it has become very difficult security wise and since the economy downturn the airlines are making every effort to drain you of your last dime and strip you of your last shred of dignity. 

I have learned most of the security rules and I no longer wear a pullover sweatshirt because of the time they made me take it off and my shirt underneath rode up around my mountain region.  Not a pretty site.  Always wear socks (even with sandals).  I know this is a fashion don't but walking barefoot on the nasty carpet that everyone else with bare feet have tread makes me break out in a rash and run for the Triactin.  Your jewelry should be carefully planned.  Real gold is the only way to go - it doesn't ring the bell.  Costume jewelry should be stored in a ziplock until you get through the scanner.   Make sure you put your laptop in a separate bin, this is also true of DVD players.  Half the airports will tell you that it isn't necessary, but just a sure as you don't they call you out on it.  Don't try to get through with liquid makeup, they will toss it.  They used to toss mascara, lipgloss in pots, any creams.  Now you should ziplock any liquid solid or otherwise under 3.4 oz. or they will strip search you.  Don't wear clothes with a lot of zippers or similar metal devices.  My 81 year old mother has to go through secondary because she had a hip replacement and rings the bell.  For most people this would be a pain in the ass, but she enjoys telling her surgery story in excrutiating detail to anyone who will listen.  Also she truly likes being searched - don't ask.

HAVE YOUR LICENSE AND BOARDING PASS OUT!  How many times do I have to get behind the two people in the world who don't know that and it takes ten minutes for them to find it after putting it away.  AAARGH! 

Don't try to line up in front of me, unless you are first class, handicapped, or have a seat/section they are announcing.  Southwest has finally stopped the craziness of lining up two hours prior to the flight by making you get an A,B or C time slot and lining up appropriately.  Even then people will try to squeeze in feigning ignorance.  Ignorant no, self serving - yes.  When storing your carry-on overhead don't crush my Coach bag with your avacado green Samsonite leftover from the early 60s.  Don't take your shoes off and allow me the pleasure of smelling your feet, keep your elbows on one armrest (each person gets one), don't crank up your Ipod so that I can hear your head banging music, don't bring  garlic fries on board for your snack (I personally made this mistake), and if you do use a DVD player select your movies carefully.  I don't want to watch "Girls Gone Wild".

Babies/children have a whole new set of rules unto themselves.  It would take too long to write about.  Short answer, bring something for your baby to drink, snack and play with.  Make sure their poopy diaper has been changed before boarding.  Don't let them kick the seat in front of them.  I love children and babies but until they are around 15 I think they should be crated and flown with the dogs and cats.  JUST KIDDING - NO LETTERS PLEASE (not really, I kind of mean it). 

When ordering drinks - don't spill on your neighbor, especially hot coffee.  If I'm reading or snoozing don't try to talk to me.  Don't put your blow up pillow on my seat and lean over to sleep.  I barely let my husband that close to me when I sleep, I certainly don't want you in my space. 

When the flight lands don't jump over me to get your stuff overhead.  We will all end up getting off within ten minutes of each other anyway.  When picking up a checked bag wait two seconds til it gets past me to pull it off the carrier.  I can't step back  because there are people directly behind me trying to lean in to retrieve theirs. 

Now for the extras:  More money to sit on the isle, window and exit row, more money to board before others, more money to check bags (ALOT more money), more money for drinks, snacks and boxed (yuk) lunches, more money for being overweight, more money for overweight luggage and now apparently, on one airline, more money to use the restroom.  I have a solution for that and it entails letting the flight crew clean up a mess on isle one.  How stupid can you get?  There has to be some human rights issues being trampled on there.

So if you can get through all that and still have luggage on the other end, and arrive semi-on time congratulations!  I'm thinking next time it might be fun to take the train.