Yes the time has finally come that all 50 somethings dread - the colonoscopy. I have put it off for years sighting problems with moving, not having a doctor, "they checked it when I had my appendectomy", etc. but, I couldn't get around it anymore when a good friend of mine was diagnosed with colon cancer last year. She has gone through her year of colonoscopies, chemo, nasua, all the usual stuff very bravely. I am pleased to say that she is clear of the cancer but she has also been a pain in my ass until I finally sheduled my procedure.
Two days before the procedure I was directed to only eat, white bread, white rice, potatoes (no skin), white pasta, chicken, pork or fish. That was no problem, no one loves carbs better than I do.
One day before the procedure is THE CLEANOUT! THIS is where I have the problem. You must drink the most awful liquid imaginable. They prescribed the "easy stuff" for me and you get to pay extra for it. It tastes like ocean salt water gelatin with a hint of lemon. Yummy. Also on this day you can drink only clear liquids along with the ocean water. Why didn't I eat that bowl of pasta last night at midnight?
I prepared the first of two liters of poop cleanse for my 3:00 pm feeding. They will tell you to refrigerate it ahead of time because cold is easier to gag down than warm. The first round I drank through a straw and drank it almost in one fell swoop. I was very pleased with myself until the nasua hit. Only 3 more rounds (every 15 minutes) to go. Every 15 minutes? You literally can't get it down in that time. I tried putting it in a frozen mug and chilling it, gulping it, sipping it, standing in the sun, sitting down, meditation, hypnosis, holding my nose, eyes open, eyes closed, and on and on. Bottom line, it all sucks.
Now I am in my four hour reprieve before the next liter. During this four hours I am suppose to drink more clear liquids and take a ducolax. Ducolax? What - just in case the poop cleanse doesn't work? Well it does!! As soon as I finished my fourth glass of the first liter I was running (not walking) to the bathroom.
I am 2 1/2 hours after my last dose with and hour and a half to go and there is nothing left to give. All systems are clear. Why the second dose? Are you looking for my intestines to fly out of my ass so you can look at them in person?
I want a hamburger and french fries and I want them now!
The four hours is up and it is time for the second liter. My plan works pretty well with the frozen mug and the straw. I make it all the way to the end (spilling a few ounces here and there) while sipping white cranberry juice in between. Sound the bells I am done with the worse part. Now just let it do its thing, try not to eat and go in tomorrow.
I will continue this tomorrow after the procedure, in the mean time have a piece of pepperoni pizza for me, or a cracker or popcorn - oh my kingdom for some popcorn.
Morning of -- waiting for my husband to get ready. What do you wear to one of these? I do know that maybe Depends might be a good idea at this point. More later.
Got to the hospital early. Everyone is extremely nice. Blood pressure right on, all systems go. The best part a warm blanket over your hospital gown while you are waiting. The doctor comes in and tells you what is going to happen. All I really hear is drugs, and you won't feel a thing.
They are right, it was very easy and no pain involved. Before I knew it I was in the car directing my husband to the nearest Carls Jr. for a mushroom and swiss burger and fries. (The nurse told me to eat something easy for my first meal). We get home, I try to turn off our house alarm and in my drugged up stupor miss a few numbers. If you have ever witnessed my husband and our house alarm this was a very amusing moment.
I ate every morsel. Then I fell asleep on and off all afternoon. Oh, by the way, the report was all clean and clear and "we'll see you in eight years". Hopefully in eight years someone can improve the cleanse from hell potion you must drink for this procedure.
How can we put a man on the moon and not be able to improve that stuff. I am going to begin my new invention of chocolate peanutbutter shake colon cleanse and will become weathly and the most beloved citizen of the world.
Happy Eating!!
If you come up with a drink that tastes like okra, tripe and cat pee...it will still taste better than that "shit concoction" they make us drink now. But, having survived colon and kidney cancer...it's still better than the alternative. So happy you got it done and thrilled it came out, (no pun intended), clear.
ReplyDeleteWhat about that pill with the little camera inside? And the "prep pills" to cleanse you? I keep putting it off, thinking they have to be right around the corner!
ReplyDeleteYeah....I think I'll wait for the "tiny pill camera"
ReplyDeletethere's no tiny pill. there is, however, a submarine that they shrink down to microscopic size and inject into your bloodstream with a small crew aboard. they take pictures of your colon with a polaroid, all the while being chased by russian spies but with the help of a miniature cia agent, they make it out safely. sometimes it's called a colonoscopy and sometimes they refer to it as a "fantastic voyage".
ReplyDeleteThe "camera pill" has fallen out of favor with the medical community. It doesn't do a thorough enough job and they can't remove polyups during the examination like they can with the scope. You would have to have a second session after the camera thingy if you need anything removed. The lesson from my experience is don't be afraid of the scope, but be very very afraid of the death cleanse.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I must say the great drugs they give you almost make up for the drink. Woo hoo
P.S.P.S. I was however, extremely disappointed when I didn't lose any weight. That was my golden ticket and the dangling carrot. After my first glass of water I was right back where I started. :(
I LOVE the toilet pic (and the blog makeover)! Sorry you had to drink the nasty poo juice, but I'm so glad you're taking care of your health. And if anyone could come up with a tasty choco-pb cleanse, it would be you! You're the sh*t, Mama! ;-)
ReplyDeleteSo does this mean that Dad is next? I guess he has a three year grace period going by your schedule. Glad you got it over with and you have a clean canal!
ReplyDeleteYour dad may never go after this. They will have to make a cabernet flavored cleanse, and he will have to drink a case of it before he will go. He says October, but he is procrastinating as usual. I can't even get him to take his blood tests.
ReplyDelete